The Day the Internet Stood Still

I remember quite clearly how it was before the Internet arrived. Actually I can remember how it was before… Never mind!  

 

8am: Millions of workers arrive at their desks across the US and discover that there is no internet access. At first it is believed it’s only a few companies, but unbeknown to Americans the problem is worldwide.

9am: The porn industry collapses.

10am: Realizing that they cannot bitch about internetlessness on Twitter, millions of calls are made from cellphones to internet service providers who can offer no answers. Technicians are on the problem.

 

1pm: News outlets start calling the lack of internet in America a “very, very serious problem”. It is also reported that the internet has not been working in Europe and Asia for at least a week before the problem is reported in America, proving once again that Americans have no idea what is going on outside their country. 

3pm: Reports emerge that work has stopped across America in the absence of e-mail. Many companies implement emergency measures whereby employees are forced to communicate in person. Technicians say they’re still trying to restore the internet.

7pm: President Barack Obama addresses the American people and calls for calm.

Networks air Baywatch and Seinfeld re-runs to distract the public. Oprah offers to do a live broadcast.

Midnight: A gathering is staged at Silicon Valley where software developers, IT geeks and Star Wars fans commit suicide en masse.

 

Millions wake up hoping that the internet crisis was just a bad dream, but remain in bed and refuse to go to work when they realize it wasn’t. Wall Street doesn’t open. Everything tumbles, but fast food industry shares soar as Americans turn to their second favorite pastime in their time of difficulty. The makers of Valium and Prozac also report record gains. In some parts of the US, police report having to deal with cases of vandalism perpetrated by Facebook junkies and Twitterholics who begin scribbling their rambling on subway trains, bridges and walls of public buildings. Hospitals across the world are overwhelmed with cases of neck injuries caused by people staring at their phones waiting for internet services to be restored. Technicians still cannot find the source of the problem.

 

Obama says that it is unclear “if” or “when” the internet will work again, but urges Americans to remain calm. Riots break out across the globe and the homes of telecommunication CEOs are broken into. Martial law is declared in most major cities across the globe. Religious nuts start coming out of the woodwork.

 

Riots come to a halt as most are too depressed to leave their homes, leaving the streets of cities deserted. Those who do leave, do so only to restock on Prozac. A new unexplained behavior starts to emerge in some places whereby heavily drugged individuals start digging up and chewing fiber-optic cables at night. Others have resorted to eating hard drives and other computer components. Electricity grids start collapsing everywhere as a result of missing fiber-optic cabling. Governments recognize the seriousness of the cable problem and give orders to shoot “cable gobblers”. But the problem is uncontrollable, especially as Prozac and Valium supplies run out worldwide.

 

Emergency sessions are called at the UN to plan the restoration of the internet and to strategize ways to govern during the crisis.