Archive for January, 2010

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About the plumber who lives in my mailbox…

January 27th, 2010

This man is in my consciousness at least once a day

Junk mail is good business they tell me, and by the number of old men pulling shopping carts around town and stopping at mailboxes, junk mail is a thriving business. I clear my mailbox most days and every single time I get a little notice from a plumber telling me about the great service he offers. If I miss taking up the mail for a day, then the next time I do, there will be two notices form the plumber. I hope his pipe-work is as efficient as his flyer delivery service!

 

The service details

The plumber’s flyer reads: “Emergency 24 hour service, just dial the free-call number; leak detection by means of a thermal camera, 31 years experience in the business, design and upgrading bathrooms, improvements to the water pressure, opening of blockages in pipes and free consultations at your place. Just call us.”

 

The users

I know what I do with these notices – I usually crumple them up into a little ball and try and flick it into the trash bin that stands close to the row of mailboxes. Most times I miss and then do my daily stretching exercise which is bending down to pick it up. I have never heard of anyone calling this particular plumber, and the truth is that he only has a phone number with no address or name. That’s okay – I understand that his entire organization is in the back of his truck and that he may or may not have a name. I guess when a pipe bursts at 3am and you need a plumber in one burning hurry, it won’t matter if his name is Joe or Cecil, just as long as he gets there in zero seconds and can deal with the water problem.

 

The flyers

I asked a printer once about the flyer business. It’s great, he said. I print thousands upon thousands of them and its good business. It’s also great for the distributors. If you look around the town you will see many older folk pulling shopping bags. It’s providing them both an income and healthy exercise and keeping them occupied. As far as the advertiser, in your case the plumber is concerned, I understand that they work on a ‘hit’ rate of 1 in ten thousand. If they get 2 hits in ten thousand they are showing a profit. So everybody gains in this situation. The only loser is you, the guy who has to dispose of the unwanted flyer. And that’s no big deal.

 

The truth?

I have one of these flyers stuck on the door of my fridge just in case the worst happens in the dark hours. I have no doubt that this enterprising plumber who advertises so regularly and so persistently is a good businessman and is also the most expensive plumber, not only in town, but in the entire region. I would call him.

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Tags: Flyers, Junkmail, Mailboxes. Emergency services, Plumber
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Invitation to a Mortgage Party

January 26th, 2010

Everyone is invited to come and watch

This is going to be the party of the year, the biggest bash in memory. It’s a Mortgage Interest Party. At this affair I am going to demonstrate how the bank calculates mortgage interest. The manager of the mortgage bank will be present and he will confirm that the bank is not my friend.

 

My start-up mortgage

We were newly-weds when we saw the cottage. It had a red tile roof, wooden windows, one bedroom and a living-room-kitchen. The price was $4,000 and I never had a bean. I got on my knees in the mortgage bank and I was granted a mortgage of $3,800. I took a job as a night clerk at the motel to raise the rest of the money and a cash advance.  The cottage was ours, but it belonged to the bank.

 

Construction mortgage

Our first son was born a year later and I applied for a mortgage extension to add a room. Back to the motel to raise the missing dollars. Our son had his own room. I owed the bank close to $5,000. A year later another son arrived and again I was knocking on the manager’s door at the mortgage bank to raise funds to add another room and again I returned to the motel.

 

Major construction mortgage

In 1969 we decided to add a proper living room and remodel the kitchen. The bank hemmed and hawed for all of 2 minutes, told us what loyal and reliable customers we were and gave us a mortgage which was almost double that which we already had. All in all, I now owed the bank about $16,000. The 10 years of payments I had made, had made a dent in the interest, but the account was now so confused that I could no longer understand it. I think the bank had the same problem. The house is great and is very comfortable and we are enjoying it immensely. We applied for an extension to the mortgage to put down a pool.

 

A son leaves home

1979 and our eldest is off into the world to seek his fortune. I convert his room into my writing studio. Mortgage remains healthy, interest rates are up.

 

Another son leaves home.

Mortgage is static. I convert the new spare room into a painting studio. Interest rates up again.

 

We sell the house

It’s 1989 and we sold the house and bought this smashing apartment on the 45th floor of the new downtown tower block. Ocean and airport views, tangled traffic views on all 4 sides. Mortgage reduced. Interest rate on mortgage balance goes up again.

 

2009. Mortgage blossoms.

The letter from the bank was a surprise to me. “You now owe $120,000. Please call in at the bank and talk to us about this.”  How did this happen? And then it hit me – the interest rates and the interest calculations. There is no such thing as simple interest. Come to the party – you’ll see!

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Tags: Additions, Alterations, Interest rates, Mortgages, New house
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